Why You Shouldn't Read My Blog. Ever.

I was recently advised to have a giveaway in order to attract more blog readers...as if the number of people reading my blog is what defines what makes this blog worth reading (did that sentence make sense to you?  Because it barely did to me.  I definitely think I need more caffeine).

So here's the thing.  I don't want to give away stuff just because it will make people pay attention to me for the duration of the giveaway.  Believe me, I am FAR needier than that (and apparently far more masochistic too.  Yay for me).  What I truly want is for people to pay attention to me ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  I'm kidding of course, but only mostly.  And like some really freaky new-age parent, I am not going to bribe you kidlets with cookies (or whatever else it is that you might be after) to get you to stay.  Call me the Unconditional Parenting version of the Mama Blogger.  You will find no praise, no rewards and no encouragement from me if you decide to stick around. In fact, it will probably mostly suck and at times you might want to gouge your eyeballs out with a hot poker as I prattle on about me, myself, and my many and varied needs.

Oh and if you do decide to share this pathetic excuse for a blog with the world, say on your Facebook page, or Twitter account -- don't go thinking you're doing me any favors.  I consider myself far too high-class to engage in such trivial matters (which really means I don't know how to self-promote via social networking. I totally failed that class because I was busy making goo-goo eyes at the geek sitting beside me), and I would never in a million bazillion years ever admit:
a) I need your help if I'm ever going to attract more readers that are actually interested in what I have to say.
b) There is no amount of free giveaway crud that could ever express how much it would mean to me if you thought enough of my blog to share it with the world. 
c) I am too poor to fund some lousy contest. 

So unless you want some free stuff that is lying around my house, then this is the real deal and you will just have to learn to live with it.  Okay I lied. I did just find this lovely piece of original artwork by my genius daughter that I might be willing to part with:

She swears that all the people are actually happy - despite their range of miserable expressions.  Poor kid, she's probably taking out her angst on me because I never ever praise her for her work.  Evil mommy.