Monday, February 1, 2010

An Actual Conversation I Had Last Night...

Me: I don't think I can sleep tonight.
Yousuf: Oh yeah?
Me:  Yes.  Definitely no sleep happening.
Yousuf: Why?
Yousuf:  Are you nervous?
Me:  Dude.  Nervous doesn't even begin to cover the range of emotions I'm feeling.
Yousuf:  You sound like you're on bad drugs.
Me: I have no idea what you're referring to.  And why the h*ll aren't YOU nervous?
Yousuf:  You have such a potty mouth when you get excitable.
Me:  This isn't about YOU.  It's about me.
Yousuf:  Wha???
Me:  Ugh. How am I going to survive until tomorrow evening?  When is the deadline again?
Yousuf: 6pm.  But it might take longer.
Me: WTF?!?  Longer?!?!?!  Don't they want to sell?
Yousuf:  I dunno, babe.  I've never done this before - I'm just saying it might be 6:01 and  not exactly 6pm.
Me:  Well bloody f*&#*ity f*&^in' h%ll!!!!
Yousuf:  That's my girl.
Me:  Do you ever wish you drank?  Like alcoholic drinks?  Because if I did drink then this would definitely be one of those times that I drank something.
Yousuf:  I think it's a good thing you don't drink. Maybe you just need to take a shower.
Me:  Why?  Do I smell?  Are you repulsed by your nervous stinky wife?
Yousuf:  I just meant to calm yourself down.
Me:  Do you think I would get a nice calming buzz if I sucked out the innards of some alcoholic bonbons?  Because I could so go for that right now.
Yousuf:  I think that we don't drink.  So we don't have any alcoholic bonbons.
Me:  There you go with your f*&#ing RATIONALITY again.  You know, I think I'd love you waaaaay more if you were like 300% less rational right now.
Yousuf:  A person can't be 300% less of anything.  It's impossible.  You shouldn't use math terms to sway me in your favor.
Yousuf:  It's okay babe.  It's out of our hands now.  We just have to wait and see what they say, and there is no use getting worked up over it.
Me:  Lalalalala...I can't HEAR you...because all I hear is the mind-numbing drone of RATIONAL THOUGHT, which has currently escaped me so I can not compute what you just said.
Yousuf:  Maybe I should go out for a bonbon run?
Me:  Now you're thinking, Dr. McSmarty!
Yousuf:  Anything else you'd like with those?
Me:  New fingernails?  Because I think I just bit all mine down to little nubs.  I swear by the time we're done with all this s*%t my fingers are just going to be lifeless, mangled bloody stumps. 
Yousuf: I'll still love you, stumpy.

We made an offer on a house yesterday evening.  We are still waiting to hear back from the sellers.  And I am dying a slow, painful, alcohol-free death as we wait.  I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.

This is not the house that we made the offer on.  I thought maybe you'd like to join me in crazyland for a bit and sweat it out with me.  
I'm terrible, I know.
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