Yousuf: Oh yeah?
Me: Yes. Definitely no sleep happening.
Yousuf: Why?
Me: WHY DO YOU THINK?
Yousuf: Are you nervous?
Me: Dude. Nervous doesn't even begin to cover the range of emotions I'm feeling.
Yousuf: You sound like you're on bad drugs.
Me: I have no idea what you're referring to. And why the h*ll aren't YOU nervous?
Yousuf: You have such a potty mouth when you get excitable.
Me: This isn't about YOU. It's about me.
Yousuf: Wha???
Me: Ugh. How am I going to survive until tomorrow evening? When is the deadline again?
Yousuf: 6pm. But it might take longer.
Me: WTF?!? Longer?!?!?! Don't they want to sell?
Yousuf: I dunno, babe. I've never done this before - I'm just saying it might be 6:01 and not exactly 6pm.
Me: Well bloody f*&#*ity f*&^in' h%ll!!!!
Yousuf: That's my girl.
Me: Do you ever wish you drank? Like alcoholic drinks? Because if I did drink then this would definitely be one of those times that I drank something.
Yousuf: I think it's a good thing you don't drink. Maybe you just need to take a shower.
Me: Why? Do I smell? Are you repulsed by your nervous stinky wife?
Yousuf: I just meant to calm yourself down.
Me: Do you think I would get a nice calming buzz if I sucked out the innards of some alcoholic bonbons? Because I could so go for that right now.
Yousuf: I think that we don't drink. So we don't have any alcoholic bonbons.
Me: There you go with your f*&#ing RATIONALITY again. You know, I think I'd love you waaaaay more if you were like 300% less rational right now.
Yousuf: A person can't be 300% less of anything. It's impossible. You shouldn't use math terms to sway me in your favor.
Me: HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM?!?!?!?!
Yousuf: It's okay babe. It's out of our hands now. We just have to wait and see what they say, and there is no use getting worked up over it.
Me: Lalalalala...I can't HEAR you...because all I hear is the mind-numbing drone of RATIONAL THOUGHT, which has currently escaped me so I can not compute what you just said.
Yousuf: Maybe I should go out for a bonbon run?
Me: Now you're thinking, Dr. McSmarty!
Yousuf: Anything else you'd like with those?
Me: New fingernails? Because I think I just bit all mine down to little nubs. I swear by the time we're done with all this s*%t my fingers are just going to be lifeless, mangled bloody stumps.
Yousuf: I'll still love you, stumpy.
We made an offer on a house yesterday evening. We are still waiting to hear back from the sellers. And I am dying a slow, painful, alcohol-free death as we wait. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.
This is not the house that we made the offer on. I thought maybe you'd like to join me in crazyland for a bit and sweat it out with me.
I'm terrible, I know.
I'm terrible, I know.