Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How To Teach Your Kids To Hate The Olympics:

- Get stoked about the fact that the Olympics are going to be held in the land of your birth, the True North Strong And Free....you know, Canada.  Land of the beaver, home of the Sutherlands.

- Explain (patiently.  And in small words) to the littles that even though we don't live in Canada we are still Canadian.  As such, it is our patriotic duty to show some Canadian pride during the Olympics.  Resist the temptation to break out into a stirring rendition of your national anthem because you know it will probably just freak the kids out.  But you can break out some maple syrup to get them all fired up.

- Set the scene for the cutest We-Love-The-Olympics photo shoot ever by dressing two unwieldy children in matching, freakishly adorable Canadian shirts.  Realize you don't have matching pants because someone puked on theirs.  Improvise.

- Check the clock as the baby starts to whine - crud, it's already naptime!  Clearly the set-up took longer than expected.  Still, a couple of clicks is all it will take to document how much FUN we are having.  Right?  Right? WRONG.

- Set up the models.  You will note that any plans I had to make the background look classy and clutter-free rapidly went out the window. Oh well.  Potentially cute picture as they size each other up:

- And here's where the fun begins.  Nissa begins to do her high-pitched squeal of tired delirium.  It's rough translation into English is this: "Myyyyy Maaaamaaa is sooooo MEEEAAAANNNN!  I jusssst waaaantttt tooooo SLLEEEEEEP!  Someone pleeease puuuuut meeee ouuuuuut offff my MISSSSERRRY!"  Note the distress on Inara's face.  Hey - at least she cares (unlike mean mommy):


- Realize that maybe there is a chance that one of your kids will become an Olympic athlete.  But only if Window-Shattering Screaming ever becomes an official sport.  It's a toss-up as to whether or not frantic gesticulating gets you extra points (and as you take this picture you realize with a sinking heart that the baby's pretty shirt sleeve is in fact covered in lunch remnants. Where's the darned stain-remover pen when you need it most?!?):


- With the speed and grace of a finely-tuned figure skater (or maybe it's just survival instinct kicking in), witness as your firstborn sacrifices her right eardrum for her country as she tries to plug the baby up:


- Heave a sigh of relief (like Inara's doing in this next picture).  It's kinda like the torch malfunction...not a perfect situation, but still salvageable, right? Right?


- WRONG!!!  You've got to hand it to Nissa, whose steely determination to belt out the big one knows no bounds:

- Decide to finally call it a day when your understandably distraught daughter exclaims: "I just want to STOP!  I DON'T LIKE the Olympics!  And I DO NOT LIKE CANADA!  I don't WANT to be a Canadian ANYMORE!!!"

Above:  The very picture of patriotism.

Go Team Canada, eh?
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