Wednesday, February 10, 2010

This Post Is Full Of Poop

As I type this, Inara is sitting on the toilet talking to her poop.  Yes, talking.  Why she feels the need to encourage her bowel movements by cheering them on is beyond me.  This is what I'm hearing at this very moment:

Inara: POOOP!  Come on OUT!  POOOOOP!
Me:  Inara...did  you make a poopie?
Inara: (Sighing)  No, Mama.  That's not what I'm saying.
Me:  Well, what are you saying?
Inara:  I'm trying to poop.  That's what I'm saying.  I'm trying to get it out (like duh, mama!).  POOP!  POOOOOP!  COME! ON! OUT!!!
Long Pause...
Me: Inara?  Are you okay, sweetie?
Inara: POOPING! 

I don't know whether to laugh (thereby incurring the Wrath Of Inara), or help her out by talking to her bum. Clearly it needs some encouragement. 

What is it with three-year-olds and their obsession with poop, anyway?  Inara is always discussing poop.  Her poop (it's hard work, mama!), my poop (you can do it, mama!), Nissa's (stiiink-y - Issie your poop is SOOOO smelly!  Oh look!  It's on your clothes!  Oh look!  It's on your hands!  Oh look!  It's on Mama's shirt!  Oh look! Mama is FLIPPING OUT!).

And it doesn't stop inside the house - oh, no.  We have to talk about it (loudly!) in public too.  Especially in public restrooms.  Just the thought of taking Inara into a public toilet gives me the shudders because you never know what she's going to say.  For instance, if you take her into a restroom and there is some poor unsuspecting soul doing their business next door, she will fully engage them in conversation: "Mama!  Who's that over there? I can see her UNDERPANTS.  Is she trying to make a poopie?  Is it going to smell?  Is she working HARD?  Hi there (waving and leaning over while trying to crane her head underneath the stall)!  You can do it!  You have to believe in yourself!  If you believe in yourself, you can do ANYTHING!"  which is usually followed by the poor person abruptly flushing and running away (they probably haven't even finished their business, thanks to my lovely girl).

Yesterday we were out shopping and of course Inara had to go - so I tried in vain to look for a more private facility, but of course it was occupied.  So off we trudged back to the front of the store.  Surprisingly, Inara didn't even talk as she got down to business, and I thought we had gotten off scot-free so I was all smiles as I bent down to help her wipe.  I remember saying to her, "Inara, can you please lean forward a little?"  and then she said: "Like this, Mama?  And don't forget to tell me to spread my legs WIDE, just like my Daddy always tells me to do!"

Oh. My. Cow.  I nearly died.  There was an ENORMOUS guffaw from the stalls surrounding us, and I just sort of stood there with my head in my hands.

What am I going to do with this kid?

"Was that funny, mama?  Why are those people laughing?  Why are they laughing with their underpants on the floor?  Is that what's funny? Mama?  Mama? MAAAAAMAAAA!"

I don't think I can ever go back to that store again.

What kind of a crazy person takes pictures of their kid on the potty?!?  And I wonder where she gets it from.
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