Monday, October 25, 2010

Real Or Not Real Answers - Part II

Here is the second half of answers to my Real Or Not Real questions (the first half can be found here). Today we cover my inability to come up with any False questions, my obsession with ruining pictures in Photoshop, and also the fact that I know how to swear in about four and half languages. Aren't you so glad that you know me a little better now?

10) People say that Inara looks like me. In fact they often get us confused for one another. It's possible that they think we look like this:

(Witness my amazingly disturbing Photoshop skillz.)

It's true that people say that Inara looks like me - and that Nissa looks exactly like Yousuf - but honestly I think that the only time she really looks like me is  when she's giving me some stink-eye. I think she has her own very unique look - she has my features, but she also has Yousuf's eye color and his glossy, straight hair (which I am not envious of, not even a little). She, and Nissa, are supremely gorgeous little beings - not that your babies aren't beautiful too.  I'm sure that they are very adorable and cute. Remember, even second best is still in the 99th percentile (I'm kidding!).

11) I apprenticed with an interior designer for one year.
True! I apprenticed with an interior designer after I decided that I didn't want to be a doctor, and before I decided that my life's purpose was to be a PR maven for non-profit corporations. Are you confused yet? Yeah, I was too. I sort of flitted around from career to career for a little while, and while doing so I realized a few things about myself:

- I would have made a great doctor, if medical school didn't kill me first.
- I would have made a fantastic interior designer, if I didn't have to work within a budget.
- I would have kicked arse in PR, if I didn't have to work with people. Or bosses. Or people.

So clearly, I have some issues. When asked what I do for a living (as if being a full-time mama and part-time blogger isn't enough), I will happily tell anyone who will listen that I am retired. Except that retired people don't have to wipe little tushies every day. And sometimes they get a retirement income. Hmmm...maybe I need to think about changing my line of work. Again.

12) I took piano lessons and guitar lessons in my younger days, but I hardly retained any useful knowledge about either instrument.  I can sing, though. And I'm not that terrible at it either.
Well, the first part is definitely true. When I was 9, I begged and begged my mom for piano lessons.  All the cool (read: only slightly less nerdy than me) kids were doing it. We didn't have a lot of extra money, but my mom scraped some together for me to take lessons with a neighbor. We moved a year later and the piano lessons went out the window.  I did learn enough to read music and to play Chopsitcks, which is only useful if you're pretending to be Tom Hanks in Big. Very impressive, indeed.

When I was in high school, I begged and begged my mom again for guitar lessons, and we scraped the money together again. My teacher was distractingly cute and so you can imagine how much I actually learned. I can't even strum a chord now - but I can play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Because I'm awesome.

As for singing...that is the one thing that I didn't need lessons for when I was younger, and I sang in school choirs up until I graduated from high school. It was like being in Glee but without Puck, which everyone knows is the best part of that show, anyway. But we did make it to Nationals! Boo-ya! Am I any good at singing? I'll let you judge for yourself:

(It's all fun and games until somebody gets kicked in the head.)

13) I have never intentionally ingested alcohol.
Also true. Are we seeing a pattern here? It's because I got too confused trying to create more False questions, due to the fact that my kids were yelling at me. Multitasking is not my forte. Ahem. Back to the question - it's true that I have never intentionally ingested alcohol. At first it was because I was trying to be a Good Muslim Girl, but as I got older and my friends (including fellow "Good Muslims") started sneaking off during birthday parties to dip their fingers into the bottles stored in their parent's liquor cabinets, I started thinking that drinking for getting drunk's sake was just dumb. And that is why I didn't have very many friends in high school. 

As for the "intentional" part of the question, it's true that I don't drink, but I can't guarantee that a stray liqueur-filled bonbon hasn't mistakenly wandered past my lips. I am really dumb when it comes to alcohol - especially alcohol that is coated in layers of delicious-looking chocolate. That's just setting me up for failure. And then what usually happens is that I take a bite of said bonbon, sigh contentedly, and then immediately yak as the flaming ball of alcohol travels down my throat. Blech. And then I swear off chocolates. For about three hours.

14) English is not my first language.
I think we can stop pretending that any of these questions are false now, can't we? My first language is not English - it's Urdu, which I can also read (thanks to my grandmother, who would hand me an Urdu workbook as I walked in the door every day after school). My parents talk to each other in Urdu, but my brother and I talk to them in English, which they also speak back to us. We can understand and speak Urdu and Hindi, though. And we can read Arabic. And speak passable French (it's mandatory to take some French in Canada. Now I can now say Poutine and a bunch of swear words...yay!). But I can't speak Spanish - even though I have been living in the U.S. for more than eight years. I should really work on that. By the way, there is no upside to knowing all these languages, other than the fact that I know a lot of colorful language from all regions of the globe. This knowledge alone should instantly endear me to SO many people.

15) Contrary to popular belief, my husband Yousuf is not Middle Eastern. He is a little bit Irish, a little bit English, and a whole lotta hunka hunka burnin' Canuck.
A lot of people think Yousuf has Middle Eastern heritage. I guess it's because his name doesn't exactly scream White Boy. But it's true - he's as white as a ghost, and has no Middle Eastern heritage. So what's with his name then? Yousuf was born as a Christopher, and he legally changed it to Christopher Yousuf before we got married. And that is a whole 'nother story altogether.

Multiple Choice:
Of the following three names, only one has been my husband's since birth. Which one is it?
a) Yousuf
b) El Cheapitan
c) George
The correct answer is c)George. Yousuf was born as Christopher Charles Clifford George (Which is a very common Middle Eastern name, I'm told. NOT.). He now goes by Yousuf, but his family stills calls him Chris - which is totally fine. He will answer to either, or to El Cheapitan. I will answer to Her Royal Fabulousness. 

Bonus Question:
True or False: I have had surgical enhancements done to both myself and my eldest child.  Before them, we looked like this:

That's just scary, dudes. My eyeballs look like they're going to pop right out of their sockets. I do think that my nose might be a slight improvement on the original, though. And Inara actually looks kinda cute. She couldn't look frightening if she tried. I think I will begin charging for my Photoshopping expertise in borking up pictures beyond all recognition. I'm sure I'll make meeeellliiioooons.

And that's it! Hope you enjoyed this first edition of Real Or Not Real. Who knows, maybe you'll see this feature again (in a MUCH shorter version) some time in the future. Or maybe I should just stick to messing with my face in Photoshop...because who wouldn't love that?
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