Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Don't Try This At Home...

I don't know what possessed me to do a workout video today.  I hadn't eaten my Wheaties and so I shouldn't have even attempted to do it.  Bad me.  And now I am broken.

Let me set the scene - it was a gorgeously sunny and warm morning, and Inara was begging to go outside.  I should have said yes.  But instead, I peeked out the window only to see my EXTREMELY GORGEOUS neighbor who has three kids and looks like she just Power Gymed herself right out of a fitness magazine.  I knew in that instant that there was NO WAY I, having not washed my  hair in approximately 3 days and also being coated in a light dusting of crushed cheerios and dried baby snot, was going to put myself through the misery of making smalltalk with The Gorgeous One (who has three kids and looks like a cheerleader.  Did I mention that already?).

But I did know that the girls needed to burn off a little steam.  So I thought that I would kill two birds with one stone and get fit like The Gorgeous One while entertaining my kids at the same time.  Maybe they would actually have fun spending 20 minutes laughing at me while I flailed around and tried to kill myself .  SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, CHILDREN? 

As soon as we popped the DVD in, I knew we were headed for excitement.  Inara immediately wanted to "jump around with you, Mama!  But WHY are you holding your boobies?  Do I have to hold MY boobies?" (no, honey - you only hold your boobies when you no longer own any proper sports bras because you sacrificed your perky pals for your offspring and now you are in a constant state of denial about their actual size.  Oh, and the fact that you're trying to keep them from BANGING INTO YOUR KNEES when you run might factor into it as well.)

I think mothers who work out with their kids in the same room should be given magical-instant-weight-loss points for just attempting it.  Or at least extra points for creativity.  For instance, Workout-At-Home Moms (WOAHMS) have to use their neck muscles in creative ways to look over, under, around, and sometimes even through their over-eager workout buddies (mine apparently has amazing balance!):

(You may have noticed in the above picture that the blinds were drawn tightly shut so as to not scare any innocent people passing by into thinking that I was torturing myself.)

Let me just say how wrong I think it is that she was having so much fun doing jumping jacks.  After craning my neck while jumping up and down for TWO WHOLE MINUTES I could barely press the shutter button on the camera.  And this was just the beginning of the workout.  I rock.

Clearly Nissa thought Mama making a fool of herself was utterly hilarious.  Or maybe she was just scared out of her mind when she saw me attempt to do a seizure-free plank.  THE HORROR!

WOAHMS should also be given bonus weight-loss points for attempting crunches while having another human being crawl all over them (because apparently I am the World's Most Exciting Climb-On Toy).  Surely this counts as extra resistance, right? 

Yeah, so that HURT like a sonuvagun.

Like any good WOAHM, I declared that the kids needed a hydration break, but I foolishly decided to  be a Tough Dude and keep working out while the kids rested. BIG MISTAKE (but the kidlets sure are cute, aren't they? Look...they're actually being nice to each other. I guess laughing at Mama together will do that to siblings).

Promptly after swigging her water down, Inara DEMANDED that we rewind the 5 minutes of workout that she had missed so that WE COULD DO IT AGAIN.  My kid is HARD CORE, Yo.

You know the worst part about being a WOAHM and exercising with your kids?  You have to be on your A-Game the WHOLE time.  You have to keep smiling and talking and NOT SWEARING the whole time...otherwise they are going to be traumatized against exercise FOR LIFE.  Do I get any bonus points for THAT?!? 

Here's Inara during take two of the workout (which I was told I had to do with her, otherwise "I'd get lonely, Mama"  How can you argue with that?) with her "free weights" (why the heck does she look so HAPPY?).  I told you she was hard core.  At this point I decided that whatever health benefits I had gained up until that point were going to be immediately offset by the fact that I WAS GOING TO DIE.

You know things have gone from bad to worse when even your 10 month-old is imitating the weightlifting, and you are utterly powerless to stop it.  I think she was trying to be encouraging.  Too bad I could barely lift myself up off the ground, fugeddabout free weights.

 "Look, Mama!  It's so easy even a baby can do it!  You just hold up the thingies in both your hands and then you push THIS!  C'mon...get up you, wimp!  Why aren't you responding to my gestures of love and adorableness?  Uh-oh. I think we broke her."

And that's what happens when a WOAHM tries to do her thang, folks.  One hour, two eager workout buddies and about 15 sprained muscles later, I was so exhausted that I barely had the energy to make lunch.  And I think I did permanent damage to my love handles by being jumped on so many times.  We can't be having that!

You know the saddest part?  It wasn't even the workout that killed me.  It was my KIDS.  They are tougher, stronger, and WAY more fit than me.  I can't even compete.  Pathetic.  Somewhere Jillian Michaels is sneering down on me and my patheticness.  But wait!  Jillian Michaels has never been a WOAHM.  How much do you wanna bet that if she was, she'd be cutting us some more slack?

Oh, who am I kidding.  If Jillian Michaels was a WOAHM she'd probably just look like my Georgous Neighbor.

So let this be a lesson to you, my dear friends.  If you're SERIOUS about getting fit, please think twice before becoming a WOAHM. Instead, you could just take a lesson out of my new workout plan...'s called Buy Some Spanxx and Lie.
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