Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I Am An Old Lady.

It's true.  I officially am.  Old.  Never mind that I can spin a rhyme better than a Dr. Seuss character, or bust a move (off-camera) like a Young MC back-up dancer (preferably the hot one, and not the guy named Fatso).  I am officially a little old lady with chills in my bones and aches in my legs.  And that's after my daily Ben Gay fix wears off.  Yeah...I'm O-L-D.

Case in point.  I get cold.  Like bone-numbingly cold, and at the first sign of a nip in the air I am shaking like a leaf.  Blame bad genetics, poor circulation, or just plain age.  Whatever it is, I am freezing right now and it's not even that cold outside right now (my NOAA weather page - which is bookmarked - because I'm OLD - says that it is currently 56 °F/13 °C).  All of a sudden, I know why my grandfather (bless his heart - I miss him so!) used to wear a tuque around the house, even in the summer.  And I also understand why he got so cranky from time to time - it's because he was freezing his armpit-high pants off, and that is NO FUN (both being cold, and having your pants up that high.  I'm sure it causes chafing in very odd places).

Okay, so the problem with being cold when you get older is that you don't get all-over cold, you just get cold in your extremities.  Like right now, I'm cold in my earlobes, my toes and my fingers.  And it SUCKS.  I can't even see straight, and I can tell that Yousuf is laughing at me, but because he is six weeks younger than me he won't understand what I'm talking about until the end of October.  On the other hand, he is sitting across from me in shorts and a t-shirt (it's FIFTY SIX DEGREES OUT, MAN) so maybe he's just immune to coldness.  I hates him.

Before I go and lecture my kids about how I used to walk uphill both ways in a snowstorm to school so they better stop laughing at me in my all-fleece leisure suit because I EARNED IT, YOUNG'UNS I will pause to tell you about my delightful new discovery (and no, it's not bifocals - even though I'm sure those aren't too far away in my future.  I have dreadful eyesight.  Oh, holy tea towels - I just used the word "dreadful".  I really am old).  I think they are hip and stylish and functional and I am told that all the young hip kids are wearing them.  And I got them on sale, so they make me extra happy because elderly people like to save money on necessities so that they can splurge on Vapo-Rub (I have a whole closet full!  You never know when you're going to need a mentholatum pick me up, peeps).

I give you:  Mahreen in the morning.  It's a scary sight, so here is your official warning.  You will note all the elements of someone aging not-so-gracefully:
- A cup of tea that is bigger than my head (it keeps me warm!): Check.
- Really awful morning hair.  Possibly thinning, which is why my earlobes might feel like tiny little icecubes: Check.
- Toothpaste stains (due to the fact that I tried to brush my teeth without wearing my glasses), which were mentioned to me at which point I gave the photographer my Patented Old Person Scowly Face: Check.
- The GLASSES.  The horrendous, pop-bottle glasses (this is how much I love you, friends...that I would reveal myself at my most vulnerable point in the day. I really don't get much more frightening-looking than this): Check.
- OLD LADY HANDWARMERS!!!!  ON SALE!  MY LIFE IS COMPLETE (unless they make earlobe warmers and then I can die a happy old woman who has lived a full, warm and toasty life)!  CHECK AND DOUBLE CHECK.

Approach with caution. Subject may try to entrap you in her bird's nest if you attempt to take away her preciousssssss handwarmers. Don't say you weren't warned.
blog comments powered by Disqus
Related Posts with Thumbnails