My Mama Needs To Take A Trip To Outer Space...

by Inara Maelle George.  Dictated right now, transcribed by Mama.

My Mama needs a trip.  Mama says she needs a vacation.  Like Duck from WordWorld.  But Mama is not taking a migration or a yourgration or a vacation.  She is going to space. She will see all the planets.

When she is in the spaceship, she will hear the planet song (I think she means this one by They Might Be Giants).  And she will see every planet.

The first planet is Mercury.  It is small and hot.  Mama will need lots of suncreen, then she won't get burnt.  Then the next planet is Venus. It is almost the same size as Earth.  Maybe Mama will be confused.  Now we go to Earth, that is my home planet.  That is where I live.  And Mama lives there too, so that's not a vacation.  She should go somewhere else.

One time my Mama and I went to Earth. We went in an airplane when I was a baby.  We went to Toronto.  We saw Maamu (that's my brother) and Naya (his wife).  And Ammi and Abbajaani (my parents).  They are pretty old (they're not).  Abbajaani and Ammi make my Mama do funny things sometimes.  Sometimes they make her say: "OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA" and it makes me laugh (huh.  I guess I hide my stress well).

But I want to talk about planets again.  I will miss Mama if she goes on vacation.  I don't want her to go.  She can't leave now!!! We want her to stay so we can play fun things and funny things with Nissa and I.  We all like to jump on the bed (I don't) and stand on our heads (I don't and I suspect Nissa wouldn't either) and sing the planet song all day long (I really don't want to do that).

I want to read a book about dinosaurs now.

The End.

Happy weekend, folks.  I'm so ecstatic it's Friday that I could do one-handed backflips.  But only if I wasn't afraid of breaking my neck trying to impress Friday while it just stands there and laughs at my post-baby jiggly bits. Which it probably would, because I bet Friday thinks it's SO funny to laugh at harried mothers who can't get their shizz together in time to come up with a real blog post.  Stupid Friday...who needs you anyway?  Oh wait.  That would be me.  Don't be mad, Friday!  I promise to make it up to you. Just give me ten minutes in the shower with a razor, and you won't be sorry.  What's that?  You can't give me ten minutes because that means you'll be left alone with two children whose idea of a good time is sticking things into their bodily orifices?  Oh I get it...that scares you, does it?  Welcome to my LIFE, Friday - time to suck it up!!

Good gosh, I totally do deserve a vacation. 

Have a great weekend - I'll see you on the flip side, peeps...Go, Colts!

Above: Entranced as Mama ooga-boogas herself back to planet Earth

What's Cookin': Kale Chips and Cookies

I know, it seems like a totally random combination - but we have been in a snacking kind of mood lately and this is what we've been eating.  And they are both really really good!

First up - Kale Chips (for my sweet friend, Mandy - this one's for you!)
These are seriously so easy to make, they take less than 10 minutes to make and then about another 10 to bake and then you get a good-for-you snack that tastes like it should be bad for you but it isn't.  If you have never had kale, or don't know what to do with kale then you HAVE to try these chips!

I know there are lots of ways to make these, but here is what has worked best for me:

Kale Chips
1. Preheat the oven to 425 F
2. Rip the kale leaves from the tough stalk and tear them into biggish pieces.
3. Drizzle a very light amount of olive oil onto a cookie sheet. Put the kale pieces on the sheet and swirl them around in the oil so that they are lightly coated (at this point my hands are fairly oily so I pick up each piece and just rub the oil gently into each leaf, making sure the piece is evenly coated...you really don't need to be heavy-handed with the oil, a little goes a long way).
4. Spread out the leaves and sprinkle with just a small amount of sea salt (I think I use more than 1/4 but less than 1/2 a teaspoon for the whole bunch).
5. Pop the cookie sheet into the oven for about 5 minutes - my kale always starts to brown at the edges at this point.
6. Take the kale out and turn the pieces over, then bake for just a couple minutes more (you have to watch them because they burn really quickly.  I usually do 2 or 3 minutes on the second side).

And that's it!  They come out paper thin and light as air - and soooooo good.  Perfect for couch-potato snacking after the kids are in bed!

And after yesterday's post, I felt bad about not giving away anything here on my bloggy - not even, as my friend Jen pointed out, cookies.  I'm such a terrible blogger!  So I thought I'd share our Best-Cookies-You've-Ever-Had-In-Your-LIFE recipe.  Because that's how much I love you.

 

This is another recipe adapted from the recipe book Veganomicon, it's pretty easy and uber-yummy.  As you can tell from the picture, these cookies never last long at our house...I can barely have them out long enough to take a picture!

In Veganomicon the recipe is called Chocolate-Chocolate Chip Walnut Cookies (but I personally like my title better) and it's on page 236.  Here is our version:

The Best-Cookies-You've-Ever-Had-In-Your-LIFE:

(this recipe makes 32 medium-sized cookies for me - I bet I could stretch it out to 3 dozen if we weren't eating some of the batter along the way)

Ingredients:
2 cups all purpose flower (I use King Arthur White Whole Wheat flour)
2/3 cup cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup canola oil
1 1/2 cups sugar (this makes for a really sweet cookie.  I've cut it back a bit and it still tastes great)
4 teaspoons ground flaxseeds (we always have a bag of Bob's Red Mill Whole Ground Flaxseed Meal in the fridge for just such an occasion.  We use it in everything from waffles and pancakes to muffins and homemade bread)   You don't have to include flaxseeds in this recipe, they just make the cookies more chewy.  But they still taste fine without the flaxseeds
1/2 cup soy milk (I'm sure you could use any other milk instead of this if you wanted)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3/4 cup chocolate chips (ours aren't vegan.  But you could always get vegan choco. chips if that's how you roll)

Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 F
2. In a large bowl, sift together flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt.
3. In a separate large bowl, mix together oil and sugar.  Add flaxseeds, milk, and vanilla. Mix well.
4. Fold in dry ingredients in batches. The batter will start to get too stiff to mix with a fork, so you could use your hands to mix, or if you don't want to get dirty you can just ask your manly-man husband to do it. 
5. Add chocolate chips.  Keep mixing until everything is well incorporated.
6. Either line two baking sheets with baking parchment or if you have a stone cookie sheet (I have two...I can't bake without them!) you can use them instead.
7. Roll the dough into 1-inch balls (this is where Inara commented on how Daddy's balls were better than mine.  Hee-larry-us.), and flatten into disks that are about 1 1/2 inches in diameter.  Place about an inch apart on cookie sheets.
8. Bake for 10 minutes (mine really do take 10 minutes...no more, no less!).  Remove from oven and let cool for 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.
9. Try to take a picture of your lovely cookies while they are cooling, only to have your child try to swipe them from under your lens.  Good times!

Enjoy!

Six Things I Wish I Had Never Said Today

1. "Yes, Inara.  Daddy's balls really are nicer than mine (while rolling out cookie dough balls on the cookie pan)."
2. "Sweetie, boogers are for putting into kleenex.  Not for wiping on your face.  And please don't teach Nissa how to do that."
3. "Oh Nissa. I know you are learning to explore new textures, but the contents of your diaper don't count (insert gag reflex here)."
4. "Oh look!  An apple-skin bracelet.  For me.  How...interesting.  Ummm - is that a booger in the center?"
5. "Thanks for cheering me on while I go to the bathroom, girls.  I just love having an audience while I do my business!"
6. "Inara, I do not want to have a farting contest right now.  No, not even a little farting contest.  Not even a pretend one. How do you even know what a farting contest is?  Did your daddy put you up to this?"

Somedays Motherhood really is so glamorous, innit?

Why You Shouldn't Read My Blog. Ever.

I was recently advised to have a giveaway in order to attract more blog readers...as if the number of people reading my blog is what defines what makes this blog worth reading (did that sentence make sense to you?  Because it barely did to me.  I definitely think I need more caffeine).

So here's the thing.  I don't want to give away stuff just because it will make people pay attention to me for the duration of the giveaway.  Believe me, I am FAR needier than that (and apparently far more masochistic too.  Yay for me).  What I truly want is for people to pay attention to me ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  I'm kidding of course, but only mostly.  And like some really freaky new-age parent, I am not going to bribe you kidlets with cookies (or whatever else it is that you might be after) to get you to stay.  Call me the Unconditional Parenting version of the Mama Blogger.  You will find no praise, no rewards and no encouragement from me if you decide to stick around. In fact, it will probably mostly suck and at times you might want to gouge your eyeballs out with a hot poker as I prattle on about me, myself, and my many and varied needs.

Oh and if you do decide to share this pathetic excuse for a blog with the world, say on your Facebook page, or Twitter account -- don't go thinking you're doing me any favors.  I consider myself far too high-class to engage in such trivial matters (which really means I don't know how to self-promote via social networking. I totally failed that class because I was busy making goo-goo eyes at the geek sitting beside me), and I would never in a million bazillion years ever admit:
a) I need your help if I'm ever going to attract more readers that are actually interested in what I have to say.
b) There is no amount of free giveaway crud that could ever express how much it would mean to me if you thought enough of my blog to share it with the world. 
c) I am too poor to fund some lousy contest. 

So unless you want some free stuff that is lying around my house, then this is the real deal and you will just have to learn to live with it.  Okay I lied. I did just find this lovely piece of original artwork by my genius daughter that I might be willing to part with:

She swears that all the people are actually happy - despite their range of miserable expressions.  Poor kid, she's probably taking out her angst on me because I never ever praise her for her work.  Evil mommy.

Taking A Mental Health Day...

...because I don't think it's healthy for me to keep getting really flipping peeved at the dorkbutt sellers of Crazy Tenant House (which I am now officially renaming Crazy Owner House because the tenant looked downright sane compared to the crud we have had launched at us by the owners).

I think Inara is totally on to me being stressed, because this morning she said: "Mama, you are not listening to what I need.  But all I really need is water, sunshine and LOVE." - which made me simultaneously burst out into tears and laughter.  So, I think I need to take a day (or two or three) off from house-hunting.  My babies need love (and apparently water and sunshine.  Clearly Inara thinks she is a flower, which is fine by me) and I need to love on them a bit to feel normal again.

We haven't completely ruled out Crazy Owner House, but we're not chomping at the bit anymore.  We don't think anyone else has put in an offer, and so we are going to do some background work of our own over the next few days and see if we can come up with a more reasonable offer.  Which basically means Yousuf will do most of the work while I don't ignore my kids and don't serve frozen pizza for dinner for the fourth day in a row.  Woot!

In the meantime, we'll still be looking for our place to call home. I'm definitely disappointed, but not totally discouraged.  We'll just see what happens.  I think this whole fiasco has opened my eyes to what a crazy rollercoaster of emotions you can go through when you're looking to buy a house.  And for someone who gets as worked up as I do - it's a dangerous game, indeed.

Lucky for me, I have great friends.  Friends who have commented, emailed, called and sent me pictures of latex undergarments (don't ask.  I have the humor of a pre-teen boy, and my friends totally know it) to make me laugh out loud and wonder if rubber chafing is actually worse than what I'm feeling right about now.  I'm guessing yes.  I love you, friends - and I really dig you too, readers-of-my-little-bloggy.  All of you help to keep me sane(ish).

Tonight I am going to catch up on my Hulu (I can't believe that I still haven't watched the last Dollhouse!  NO SPOILERS!  Boo on you, Fox, for canceling another one of Joss' shows...grumblegrumblegrumble) and then maybe I'll make out with my husband for a bit.  Sounds like a recipe for happiness to me!

 

Keeping it all in perspective. Or at least trying to.