Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dear Nissa...

Dear Nissa,

I love you.  I really do.  But I am at a complete loss here, my little cherub.  In the past 3 days you have successfully managed to learn how to turn doorknobs, open the lid to the toilet, and suck on wet rags that have been dunked into said toilet.  It's making me gag a little bit into my mouth just typing out that last part.  And not only that, but you have also unrolled two rolls of toilet paper (completely), almost pulled the TV down on top of you (!!!!) and the worst was yesterday evening when I was locking up the bike trailer in the backyard and you RAN AWAY.  You ran down the driveway, around the corner and were headed down the sidewalk to god knows where.  I nearly died a thousand deaths looking for you, screaming your name, and envisioning the absolute worst.

I am thanking my lucky stars that a good samaritan pulled into our driveway and pointed out the direction you were running, as well as the fact that you weren't in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET, or that a car didn't pull out you know that I didn't sleep a WINK last night, sweet crazy insane child?!?!  I did cry a lot though.  A whole freaking lot - so much that Inara is now walking around the house going, "Mama?  Please don't start talking in THAT shaky voice again. Issie isn't lost anymore, so can you just stop crying now?".

And when I finally did catch up to you know what you did?  You looked over your shoulder, smiled and RAN FASTER.  AWAY FROM ME.  I may look like a sprinter to you, little one - but my Mummy Tummy begs to differ.  As do my Bingo Wings and my Chub Rub.  You can stop laughing at me now.

Ahem. Let's get back on track, shall we? 

You are now on my Watch List, little one.  It's not as if I wasn't keeping an eye on you before you decided to find new and interesting ways to flirt with death.  But we are now in official lock down mode, kiddo.  Every door, stairway, and cabinet is now locked, gated, barred and bolted.  Never mind that it takes me five minutes to clear a passageway just to walk from one room to another.  I will take the annoyance because I want you to STAY ALIVE.  Such a novel concept.

Oh and I see that you can now climb the radiators.  Lovely.

Why must you test me like this, child?!? I hate to make comparisons...but I'm going to anyway.  Are you SURE that you share genetic material with your older sister?  Because she was nowhere near as determined as you are to inflict fear and mayhem (not to mention your ongoing obsession with self-destruction).  Is it because you don't actually think you're a baby?  Is it because you have no fear?  Is this some kind of twisted karmic punishment for me not listening to my parents when I was younger?  Because I'M SORRY, OKAY?!?!?  I admit that I was wrong, Mom and Dad, and I fully regret my actions.  For what, I'm not entirely sure...but are you hearing me, Universe?  ENOUGH ALREADY.  I'm done.  I can't take take anymore of this and I'm blaming you if I have to check into a facility. 

Nissa, my love.  I am too old to be dealing with this. I can't sleep anymore because I keep thinking of all the ways in which you almost didn't make it to be laughing maniacally as you launch yourself headfirst off the radiator.  Deep breaths.  I need to take some deep breaths.  Ack.  Now my hands are shaking again. I think I'm getting dizzy.  Can 30-something year olds die of heart attacks?  Because I think I'm having one (again).  Honestly, I don' think my heart has stopped beating in overdrive since Sunday morning (When you tried to gain immunity to the diseases that live in toilet bowls.  Gag.  Me. With. A. Spoon. Now.)


Deeeeeep Breaths, Mahreen.  Deeeeeeeep Breeeeeaaaattths.  Excuse me while I channel my inner Deepak Chopra, friends.  Oh, but wait.  I don't have time for that because you have now managed to get your head stuck behind the easel, child that I love MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, Nissa.

How did that even happen?!?  I'm literally 4 feet away from you!

If you see a crazy woman wandering the streets later today, babbling incoherently about her Mummy Tummy, The Universe, and an adorable baby that is driving her to look up how much it costs to install padding on every surface of her house, please don't judge her.  Just back away slowly and don't make eye contact.  Maybe buy her a latte and hand it to her wordlessly.  She may not be able to form coherent sentences, but she will be thanking you on the inside.

As for you, Nissa.  I dearly hope that this is just a phase. But somehow, I am getting the feeling that this is just who you are.  I only hope that when you win your first X-Games medal that you will thank me for keeping you alive long enough to enjoy that moment.  Because that's how much I love you, my lovely, fearless little girl.  More than the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.  And more than my own sanity. 

Your Gibberish-Speaking and Chronically Twitching Mama
p.s. You might be wondering what Inara is up to during all this madness.  She is currently sitting on the couch reading about black holes.  Because that's what she does for fun.  We're gearing up for her first day of school in ONE WEEK, which is exciting and nerve-wracking and probably going to be the inspiration for a whole other post very soon.  Fun times, indeed!
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