Kindergarten Eve.

I was a total mess this past weekend. It was supposed to be the last blast of summer vacation for our family - we had plans to do all kinds of fun things together, and instead I spent it grumping around being mad at anyone and everyone who dared cross my path.

I don't think I was a lot of fun to be around.

At the start of the long weekend, I had convinced myself that Inara was definitely NOT ready to go to kindergarten because she hadn't gotten a haircut. What kind of mother was I, to have not thought about this earlier? Only THE WORST MOTHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD EVER. Of course.

Stricken by panic, I started calling hairdressers in the area. All but one of the places laughed at me. At the last place, a kind lady took pity on me and offered me an appointment...for next Saturday.

I cried, and then I took it. It's not so bad, I told myself. Maybe I'll take pictures of her after the appointment, and tell everyone that they were taken on the first day of school...

...because that's what crazy people tell themselves when they are caught in the tailspin of emotions leading up to KINDERGARTEN.

I think that I've purposefully left this many things to the last minute because I am still in complete and utter denial about the whole ordeal. It's the same reason I hauled the girls all over town this morning to find new shoes for Inara. I just couldn't stand to think about it until I was forced to. And I WAS forced to, when yesterday Inara put on her old sneakers and I noticed that the tread on the bottom was completely worn out. What kind of mother doesn't notice these things until the day before school starts?

Only the kind who is sabotaging herself emotionally because she doesn't want to let go of her baby.

I feel as if I'm getting ready for birthing another baby, I'm restless and pacing and nesting - but it's all bass ackwards. I'm preparing for someone leaving instead of coming, and I'm steadying myself for a flood of tears - and not the happy kind. I so badly want school to be a good experience for her, I want her to realize school for the gift that it is...and I'm so scared to think about what will happen if anything goes wrong.

I've done a very good job of keeping the nasties away from Inara, for fear of tainting her newly-emerging excitement...but they're not gone away completely. Instead, all my anxiety is coming out in the form of shoes and haircuts and lunch menus and rain boots (she doesn't even have RAIN BOOTS, people. It's like I'm going to send her to school in rags à la Oliver Twist. And then she'll be cold and hungry and end up falling in with the wrong crowd and they'll keep her warm and fed but only if she does their evil bidding. All because I didn't get her new rain boots. Stop laughing. It could totally happen.)

We have a gigantic calendar in our kitchen - I've written about it before, and every month I take it down to make a new one with the girls. Well, it's the day before kindergarten and our calendar still says August. I just can't bear making a September calendar and then having "Inara's First Day of School also known as THE DAY SHE WILL LEAVE YOU" printed on it and circled three times for emphasis. I just can't do it.

So now when Inara goes, "Mama, what day is today? I can't tell because the calendar is completely wrong."

I cheerfully reply with, "It's not wrong. It's actually August 37th today. See, I've written it at the bottom of the calendar. It's not wrong AT ALL."

And then then everyone in the house rolls their eyes at me and I pretend not to notice. BUT I TOTALLY DO NOTICE IT, PEOPLE. And guess what? I could CARE LESS.

(This is something crazy people tell themselves all the time. Or so I've heard.)

Inara is totally stoked about school. She's excited, she's looking forward to it, and she wants to go. I am so thrilled to hear this from her, and what a change it is from this time last year. On Friday, we had a family conference with Inara's kindergarten teacher (standard issue at her school) to familiarize all of us with each other. Later, Inara said that it was the best part of her day, and that she didn't want to leave at all.

It was music to my ears, and yet my heart couldn't help but break just a little bit.

This morning, on our way back from trying on every shoe in every shoe store from here to the Canadian border, I told Inara how I felt. "I'm not sure what Nissa and I will do when you're at school, kiddo. I think we're going to miss you an awful lot."

She thought about this for a few moments, dog-earing the book she was reading and setting it aside (it was about the Titanic, her latest obsession...so kindergarten appropriate, yes?), and she gave the question her full attention.

"Mama," she said seriously. "If I think about things for you and Issie to do when I'm at school, maybe it will help you not miss me so much. And then we'll both have lots of things to talk about when we see each other again. Because I'm big now, and I just have to be in kindergarten, even if we're both nervous about it. Maybe our feelings will change. We just have to give it a chance. Hey, look! The leaves are falling off the trees already! Does that mean it's autumn?"

I pulled the van over onto a side street because I was "having a moment" (as my family now likes to say about me. Often.). I put down all the windows and stuck my head outside, inhaling the cool fresh air and letting it wash over the fat tears that fell silently from my eyes and plopped down to the road below. I sighed as I realized what was happening, and pulled my head back into the van.

Sitting under the big oak tree, we watched the leaves swirl around us. The wind made a hushing sound as it rustled the leaves, in calm, soothing tones.

"Do you think that it sounds like the wind is whispering something?" I asked the girls, twisting in my seat to look behind me.

"Maybe..." Inara replied, turning back to her book.

"Go back home NOW, Mama! Go!" came the helpful response from Nissa, who was facing backward and confused about this sudden change of pace.

I started the van back up again, but before I pulled away from the tree I paused one last time, to listen. The world seemed like a much less complicated place under the shelter of that big tree. But as we drove off, I heard my own voice echoing the voice of the wind and the world as it pushed us all along into tomorrow and the huge milestone we faced.

She is so ready for this it whispered, in my ear, in my mind, across my heart...and I knew that it was true.

She is so ready for this.

And so...I will be ready for it too. Even if breaks my heart, just a little bit.

**********

In case you missed it yesterday, my other gig at And Nobody Told Me is coming to an end. My last post was yesterday, and I hope you will have a chance to read it. The blog will not be publishing any more regular material, but we are leaving the content up in the hopes that it will benefit anyone who happens to come across it. I've enjoyed my time at ANTM immensely, and will always treasure the wonderful friendships I've made with all of the incredible and talented women there. xoxoxmahreen

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...

Okay, so I tried to write this post yesterday but two little people had other plans for me, and Yousuf worked late, so it was all me all day and by the time I sat down at the computer all I wanted to do was use it as a pillow.  Which I didn't, because that's just weird and so I jotted down some stuff and went off to bed later than I should have but hey, it all worked out eventually so hooray and huzzah for me!

Anyway.  Because I promised you that I would talk about the ways in which we helped Inara prepare for her first day of school, here is the most boring, not funny, self-indulgent post EVER.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  And if you were here for a post about snot, poop or other hilarious bodily functions - go away and come back tomorrow.  I'm sure there will be something here for you then.  As for the rest of  you lovely people - don't say I never do anything for you, mmmkay? 

Truthfully though, I'm happy to share more about this...so many of you have asked about it, and if it will help any of our little buddies out in any way, then I'm all for it.  Even if it will pain me to not mention poop and snot.  Poop!  Snot!  There.  Now it's officially out of my system.  Maybe.

So...we went gangbusters with the School Prep for Inara, mostly because I am an extremely loving, nurturing and intuitive parent who is not anal AT ALL about things like this.  Hah!  Actually, the truth is that for her whole entire four some-odd years of life, we've always prepared Inara for major life changes.  She is the sort of kid who is insanely bright, but needs to be handled with kid gloves when it comes to new situations, people or routines (And that last part is not like me AT ALL either...oh man, I can feel my Pinocchio nose growing by the second.  Poop!).

Probably the most over-prepped child for the first day of school ever in the history of the universe.  Woot!

We did a lot of things together before school started, but throughout it all I was just never really sure if what I was doing enough, or if Inara really understood what school was all about, or if she had any anxiety about the whole thing.  I mentioned that to one of my dear friends, Candice (she of raising money for Haiti fame).  Now the thing about Candice is that in addition to her smokin' hot post-baby body (not that I'm just the teensiest bit jealous or anything), she is also raising four beautiful, intelligent, well-adjusted and down-to-earth little girls. So whenever we're together and I'm talking to her about how hard I'm finding it to deal with something, she inevitably goes: "Oh, yeah.  That's just like what (insert mini-Candice's name here) used to do.  Don't you worry about it, doll.  Here's what you have to do..." and Whammo!  Just like that, your problem is solved and you're out the door with a spring in your step and usually some free food too. Because she's thoughtful like that.

So the last time Candice problem solved for me, she sent me on my merry way with some gum and a little notebook.  I remember thinking that the gum was great but what the blazes was I supposed to do with the notebook?!?  And then I looked back at her house and thought about going in again, but I'd already walked away with too much free stuff and I didn't want to seem like a mooch and THEN I thought that I was a Mom and even if I didn't have a smokin' hot post-baby body surely I could figure out what to do with a bloody notebook.  Something about feelings, Candice had said.  Feelings, and school and writing.  And pictures!  She said pictures!  Did she say stickers too, or did I just make that part up?  It's possible that I had made it up because I was too distracted by the fact that I have more fat in my right earlobe than Candice has on her entire body...but wait!  Back on track, girl!!!!  Feelings.  Notebook.  Writing.  Pictures. School.  Possibly stickers.  I could handle it!

And that's how the Feelings Notebook was born.  Out of confusion and chaos, gum and girlfriends.  I bet every problem in the world can be solved this way - just get a bunch of mama girlfriends together in a room and give them some free junk food.  Voila!  No more poverty, war or first day of school jitters.  Because we ROCK (Well, most of you Mamas rock.  All except me, because I'm just along for the free food).

The thing that I really love about our "Feelings Notebook" is that you can totally run with it and make it work for you and your kiddo in whatever way you'd both like.  Case in point:  Inara HATES the name "Feelings Notebook" - I have no idea why, but she gets all irritated at me whenever I call it that, and right when she got her little hands on it she very promptly had me rename it with a title that makes complete and utter sense, but only to her: "My Favorite School Notebook".  Whatever, dude.  It works for her and so we're going with it.

So what exactly is our Favorite School Notebook? Well for us, it's a whole lot of things.  It started out with me sitting down with Inara and asking her, openly, what she thought about going to school.  We wrote down everything that she said (well, I wrote it all down and sometimes she helped, while other times she drew faces or stuck stickers) and then talked about each feeling.  I was surprised at how articulate she was once we got talking about things - she said that going to school made her feel brave, that she was looking forward to trying out new things, and she also talked about her apprehension.  We wrote that down too, so that she'd know that all her feelings were valid and that I would listen to everything she had to say.

It's hard to hear your kid talk about negative feelings, but I think that for Inara and I, the FSNBook is a great thing. What ended up happening was that talking about Inara's feelings  would lead into a discussion about how to address that concern.  So for her "Not sure what will happen" feeling, we started talking about what she could expect at school, and the next few pages of her FSNBook are filled with notes about her routine (get to school, put bag away in my cubby, say hello to the teacher and my friends, Circle Time, etc.) along with pictures of each event, or a little positive reinforcement (Have fun!  Create & Imagine!  I love Art!).  Really anything goes.

Inara's picture of playtime (with her Mama if she got lonely) and a heart because she was going to love that part.

The other thing that's great about the FSNBook is that everything just starts unfolding so logically.  When we started talking about her daily routine and playtime, Inara pointed out that she didn't know how the other kids would play with her, and how that made her feel nervous.  That led to a great discussion about sharing and playing with friends, and I asked her about the kinds of things that made her feel good when she played with other people. Again, I was struck by just how well-spoken and thoughtful she could be when she was given the chance to open up about her feelings.

And when we talked about going home, she asked what time that would be at and how long she would have to stay at school.  This was kind of tricky because she is still learning to tell time, but I think we worked it out:

So basically whenever we broached a topic that made her feel apprehensive we expanded on it, and there was no shame in talking about feeling nervous.  Also, writing down clear answers to her concerns eventually eased her anxiety, because everything she was worried about had a solution if we just thought about it together for a little bit - and honestly, once she got the hang of it, she was pretty good at coming up with the answers all by herself.  

Other things that I love about the FSNBook:

- I love that it's small and portable and that Inara can easily take it to school, or read it in the car - sometimes I can hear her back there, repeating her own little positive mantras ("The playground makes me feel like dancing!"), which makes me smile every time.

- I love that it's not finite. We did a first day of school entry where I wrote a note to her and she read it to herself at school, and we just did another one today where we talked about her first week of school, sharing, and the things she can do when she feels like a classmate isn't playing kindly. I can't wait to see what else comes up.

 We actually do write down all our ideas...even the silly ones!

- I love that it inspires creativity, for both Inara and I.  All of a sudden I have tons of ideas for other things to add to the book to make it even better for Inara - and totally kick-arse for when we do it with Nissa (like printing out tiny pictures of her first visit with her teacher, as well as one of us as a family and then pasting them into the book so that she can see them and remember that we love her and that she can ask her teacher for help anytime).

- I love that it forces both Inara and I (and of course I'm including Yousuf in that as well...he's been in on all of this from the start) to come up with a solution by working together. 

- I love the dialogue.  I love hearing what is really on her mind - sometimes she'll talk about things that happened days and days in the past, and I love that eventually everything that's on her mind comes out.  

- I love hearing Inara.  Like really, truly, not just listening but hearing her out as well.  I love that the FSNBook is more than a rehashing of events, it's everything that she feels in any given moment.

- I love that we are going to be able to look back on her first school experience in an honest way; that we're not going to gloss over the bad parts, and that we are going to have great memories about all the wonderful things. 
- I love that Inara is proud of her book, proud of herself, and proud of facing the uncertainty of a new situation and figuring out how to work through it.  It's really, really cool and gives me so many warm fuzzies to see her that way.

 

I hope that being open about all her feelings now will help Inara deal with all sorts of situations in the future (But who am I kidding? This post will probably do nothing except set Inara up for therapy for the rest of her life: "And then my MOTHER had the AUDACITY to show my drawings TO THE WORLD!  She said that it would be 'helping people'. How COULD SHE?!?!"). 

I guess the take home message is this:  I have no idea what I'm doing with my kids.  I just hope that the bright colors and cute pictures in the notebook make for A Happy Inara.  Which at the end of the day, is all that Yousuf and I really want.

And that's it.  I swear that I can hear the collective sigh of relief from most of you...I know that this post went on for way too long and was probably mind-numbingly boring for a lot of you.  I'm sorry!  See, this is why you should never ask me to write about serious things relating to my kids...I can't ever stop once I get started!

Back to Poop and Snot and other hilarious posts in which I repeatedly make a fool of myself (Hey, wait.  That happened today too, didn't it?  Bonus!) tomorrow.  I promise!

First Day Jitters...

Inara started her first day of school yesterday.  She's in Pre-Kindergarten at a wonderful school, and I can't quite believe that my firstborn baby is already at this huge milestone in her life.  I bet she'll be asking me for a smartphone and a hybrid car tomorrow.  Slow down, time!!!  Sheesh.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone - friends and acquaintances and internet people who I haven't met in real life too - everyone who emailed me, called, texted and left comments here and there and everywhere.  I don't think I could have gotten through the day without all that encouragement and support.  So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for being there.

Surprisingly, we weren't the only ones who showed up to The First Day of Pre-K with the whole family in tow, nor were we the only ones who showed up with photo gear.  We were however, the only family who had MULTIPLE cameras (one also shoots video), a screaming baby that needed a nap like nobody's business, and a big girl who could read (which made for interesting conversation, indeed - when other parents would say, "I think I'm going to G-O", she'd get all antsy - "WHAT?  You can't GO yet!?!  Did you hear that, Ruby?  Your Mama said she's going to GO!!!").  Go figure.

But - for a smart and sensitive little girl who has never been in daycare or preschool, I think Inara did wonderfully well.  She did ask if I could stay with her, and the teacher was happy to accommodate a parent volunteer, so I did stay.  I mostly helped other kids and I think it was enough for Inara to know that I was somewhere around, even if she couldn't always see me.  I definitely think that there is going to be a period of adjustment for both her and I, but I know that we can do it - together.  She loved interacting with other kids one-on-one, and is looking forward to trying out all the new toys and books and activities that she didn't get a chance to use yesterday.

While I was watching her in class yesterday, there were so many times that I would be struck with manic happiness, or incredible sorrow and guilt.  I was SO happy that she was in school, meeting other kids and learning about her world in new ways, but I also felt so sad about the fact that one day soon, she'll be spending most of her day away from me.  There was a hilarious little boy in Inara's class that kept telling the most creative jokes - and I was so thankful to be there to be able to see Inara "get it".  I kept thinking about all the things that she would eventually tell me about when she came home from school...and for each of the things she did tell me about, I wondered how many things she'd forget or file away or simply deem not important to share.  It honestly made me a little sad to know that there would be things I'd not be sharing with her...but at the same time, I'm beginning to realize that I so want her to experience the world through her own eyes, and to decide for herself the things that she likes, dislikes, and wants to share with me.  I think I'm going to have to grow up a little bit myself as well - I'm going to have to put on my Big Girl Momma Pants and let her live her own story.  But, I am always going to be the one that she comes home to and shares it with.  I can't wait to share it with her.

One of the things we did as a family to get Inara prepared for school was start a "feelings notebook".  One of my amazing and thoughtful friends suggested it to me, and I can't wait to share more about it with you next week.  I think it's been a great way for us to talk about school and all of Inara's concerns in a very real and validating way, and I also think it really did help Inara to know what to expect.  We visited her teacher the day before school started, and Inara read from her "Favorite School Book" (which is what she decided she would call it - I have no idea why, but we're going with it) - her teacher was blown away, and was kind enough to take the time to talk with Inara about each of her feelings.  It cemented their bond and made Inara feel much more comfortable.  I am so thankful for that too.

I'll stop here for now - and share some pictures (because I know that's what you're really here for,...who wants to hear an overly-emotional Mama prattle on endlessly, anyway!  I really need to get a grip sometimes).  Thanks again for being a part of this big day with us, everyone.

Getting ready to go:

Signing "School":

The First Day Note we wrote for Inara in her notebook, so that she could see it whenever she needed to:

Sizing up the joint with Daddy (I'm so thankful that Yousuf took the day off to be with us. He is such a great Dad and I love him the most on days like this.  I couldn't have done yesterday without him!):

Finding her cubby and name tag ALL BY MYSELF, MOM:

Afterward - we rode home and she had to tell Daddy all about "The Kissing Hand", a fantastic book that is so great to calm those first day jitters!

Loving that Kissing Hand (and her Daddy) - I personally love that first-day schmutz on her elbow.  

It means she had fun!:

The Girls!

We love you so much, Nan.  

I know this is going to be just the start of so many amazing things for you.  

Happy First Day, love!  You did it!